Today is the day I finally get that dwarf in a bath! My friend, Thorzin, hasn’t taken a bath for months. Maybe even a year. He is so intractable about taking a bath that it is crazy. When we go out on adventures, the enemies can smell him from a mile away even while I’m sneaking around. This is my impetus to get him to take a bath even greater. Oh yeah… hello my name is Yona and I’m an elven rogue that goes on adventures with my amazing party that let me steal shinies.
In the morning, I start to plan my attack against Thorzin’s pungent stench, acting very impetuous. I get pretty far into my plan before Thorzin thumps on the door, scaring me into thinking he is going to bring the door down. He then says in his booming voice, “Yona it is time for breakfast.” he then walks off to breakfast. I quickly gather up all my plans, that I wrote down on paper, and put them under my pillow.
I get to breakfast when I find Thorzin at the table eating breakfast already. I join him at the table and order breakfast for myself. We have a nice chat for awhile while I’m waiting for my breakfast until I ask about why he hates getting water on him. Thorzin looks proud as he clears his throat ahem Us dwarves dislike water because all these battle marks (stains) remind us of all our battles that we fought." He then incisively describes each of his battle marks, pointing at different stains, and goes on about them until my breakfast finally shows up.
Once I’m done eating I ask Throzin what he is planning to do today. He responds with, “Having a date with the barmaid and her beers, but mostly the beers.” I’m not surprised at all and this just makes it easier for me to get him to wash in my mind. I go to town and “pick up” everything I need to get him into a proper bath. Some people unknowingly help me pay for everything I need by leaving their pockets open and easy to pick at.
I get back and casually stroll past Thorzin to return to my room with everything. Once I get back I set everything on my bed and continue with my punctilious plans. I emerge for lunch, coming out with a bucket of water, and find Thorzin drinking beer still. I attempt to sneak up on Thorzin but that dwarf must have some weird sense of doom. I threw the water at him and he retracted himself, causing it to hit the barmaid. She gave me such a fractious look and dragged me back to talk to me behind the bar about what on earth I was doing.
Once I impulsively get done bribing her to pretend it didn’t happen, (which I knew I would feel compelled to steal back of course), I sit by Thorzin and have lunch. Before I left he said, “You’re going to have to do better than that.” This just gave me more determination to bathe him, and next time it will have soap in it! I spent a while thinking how on earth am I going to get him wet since he is going to be sitting and drinking all day. I decide at last to go on a walk since I need to clear my mind.
While out on my walk around town I continued thinking about how to get Thorzin wet. If I can get it to rain I could get him out in it. I think “YES THIS THE ANSWER TO THIS!!!!!” I ponder, thinking how I’ll bait him out with beer. I get happy with this thought till I deduce that I cannot control the weather and rain is not expected for a few days. This puts me right back to square one.
When I get back I decide to be social and sit by Thorzin as he drinks. We talk for awhile about our group and what they might be doing with their free day. I know some of them are stopping at important places and here I am spending my day trying to get Thorzin to take take a bath. While I was lost in thought, Thorzin got up and went to the restroom. I was seriously thinking about putting a bucket on top of the door, but then I saw a huge, scary, fighter guy go in. I know if I put the bucket up there, and it wasn’t Thorzin that got hit, that might get me killed.
I decided not to put a bucket of soapy water up and swore to myself when Thorzin came out before any other guy did. This just made me slam my head down on the table with a BLAM. I was still so tired of thinking of ideas. I decided to take a nap for a while since I was still so tired from our latest adventure. Once in my room, I flopped onto the bed with a sigh of defeat. I look around my room thoroughly, relaxing finally till at last, I fall asleep.
I woke up from a dream that he was all cleaned, and came out to see Thorzin. Nothing had changed, at all. I was way too sad and disappointed about this. I finally started thinking whether or not this was worth it. Once I thought this completely though I decided it just was not worth the rest of my free day to get him clean, despite his stench.
When I look outside to see it’s already dark, I head to Thorzin’s table where he said he would be all day. I go to sit by him and buy my dinner, but while I’m waiting for my food I realize that he has been drinking all day, so maybe I might be able to out drink him? Thorzin slyly asks, “Did you have a nice nap?” I nod yes and then say, “I want to have a drinking competition with you. If I win you have to take a bath with no complaining.”
Thorzin then produces a big smile and accepts the challenge. We start drinking and went on for quite awhile. Though of course, I was going against a dwarf, so my destiny was sealed from the start. I lost of course, but since I was drunk I quickly ran back to my room, grabbed the soap, sponge, and a bucket of water, and came running back towards Thorzin with a bucket of soapy water. I ran around chasing Thorzin till I fell asleep, getting soap everywhere BUT on him.
So, the moral of this story is quite simple: Never try to out drink a dwarf, because you will lose. Also, don’t try giving a bath to a dwarf unless you have an army to help you and even then I would still not recommend it.